would i cheat?

i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t, but who the hell knows until you are presented with the situation? besides that, aren’t we kind of still in a probationary period? and the person in question , CD, is someone i have known way longer than jelly and have had a mad crush on for a very long time. the thing that will save me is that CD is married and up until today, i have always felt that it was safe to have a crush on him and flirt with him because he could never ever cheat on his wife. everyone who knows him would say that, and many have. but for some reason today, i’m a little concerned that something more could occur. i think there are two reasons – one, i have not been working for the past couple of weeks and time alone tends to allow my gigantic imagination go a little bit crazy. seriously, nothing is beyond the realm of possible in my imagination. the other reason is that IP is kind of goading me into thinking this. she’s just playing and teasing, but she doesn’t realize that after hours and hours alone, i start to believe and buy into the things that she saying. and she doesn’t really establish a strong line between when she’s teasing and when she’s serious. so since i want to believe the stuff that she’s serious about, like CD missing me around the office, it makes me start to believe the stuff that she’s teasing about, like CD REALLY missing me around the office.

so tonight the three of us are having dinner, and IP says she will need to leave early-ish. she is so evil.

stream of consciousness

i like when jelly texts me when he’s off on his vacation/weekend drunk.

makes me a little bit nervous how happy i get when i get a text from CD, who i should NOT still be crushing on. for many reasons. but i’m so glad i’m going to see him tonight.

i wonder at least a little bit each day if i love jelly. i have been in love before and this is not that. but love will be different with each person and for each person. just because i’m not feeling what i did with LoML, doesn’t mean it might not be love or go in that direction. thinking about the future is a very bad thing to do when also wondering if i might fall in love with jelly. i just don’t see it happening, but i like the idea of being with someone. i know that is so wrong. so what i need to do is stop thinking about the future and just be happy with how things are. appreciate each little thing as it comes.

a donut and a cinnamon roll makes a great breakfast for a day that i am planning not to exercise. though i did have to walk a mile to get them, and then a mile back. i earned that sugar rush, man.

my legs are sore from my higher mileage this week BUT – and this is the cool part – i do not fear the longer runs anymore! as of now, anyway. in the next few weeks, they will get stupid long, but after doing a few 6 milers this week, i don’t feel nervous about them. for real, and maybe for the first real time, i KNOW that i can do them. i know that sounds ridiculous because of course i can do them, i have proved that several times already. but still, whenever i get ready to head out, there is this little twinge of fear and feeling that i can’t really. so the fact that i’ve cleared that mental hurdle makes me feel really good.

now i have to decide if i really want to try to run faster. do i? i don’t know. i tell you, i will be satisfied if i can finish the half marathon at all! and at 10:21 that would be about 2:15, which is fucking respectable for a novice!

why do guys lie about their height?

i love that jelly left his suit here, and his watch. i’ve been wearing his watch around, and i definitely tried on the suit. i looked pretty hot wearing the jacket over just my bra, i must say.

it’s nice to think that he’s probably thinking about me, at least a little. he might even miss me a little! i’d be curious to hear what he might tell his friends about me. also slightly curious what his friends who have met me might tell the other friends about me.

i love that the last time he came over, all he wanted to do was take off his suit and throw me down on the bed. the sounds he makes when he really really wants me are such a turn on. and how he grabs me when he’s in that mood – mmmmm, i love that! feeling desired, sexually desired, is a feeling that is beyond description. it’s like years of not feeling good enough, or attractive, or sexy are suddenly swept away and forgotten. there are so many deep seeded issues attached to it, and yet there are the totally shallow physical elements. then there’s the mid-depth stuff that just involves someone liking you…and forgetting or at least seeing past all your faults and liking you anyway, ha!

running the brooklyn bridge

this morning i did a new route, to expand my repertoire of routes in the city, and to get in 6 miles. man, it totally fucking rocked. well, most of it did. first of all, treading new terrain helped keep me fresh and helped the miles pass quicker. and it was all new groups of homeless guys, delivery drivers, and garbage men, heh. the part that got tough, and i expected it, was going over the actual bridge. now, i loves me some brooklyn bridge. it’s beautiful, scenic, charming – and i’m telling you, watching the sunrise on the way over and letting manhattan wrap itself around me on the way back was fucking awesome – but it’s uphill on the way over and then of course, uphill on the way back. i admit, i cheated a little on the brooklyn side and didn’t go all the way over because i couldn’t face it. but it’s a pretty steady climb up the arc of the bridge, starting from city hall. and hills are where i most often find myself engaging in negative thoughts and considering stopping. i gotta work on that. because once i turned around and started on the flat ground, i immediately felt like i could go on and on. actually, the second half of the run, after coming off the bridge, really felt very strong. i’m learning how to work the mental game this week and last, which is pretty great, because next week i start really adding on the miles. i will need to work the mental game pretty hard.

now i gotta start mapping out routes all over the place! i will also need that as i start adding serious mileage. to keep things fresh, but also to fight off the temptation to stop when i’m just running near my apartment. that’s too easy, better to get my ass away from this hood and avoid that.

death by cuteness

i’m a big ol’ Red Sox fan living in nyc. that’s a big enough deal. when i wear my cap, it sometimes feels like taking my life into my own hands. (a silly phrase really – isn’t our life always in our own hands? would you trust your life to the hands of others? i sure as hell wouldn’t.) anyway, i also tend to be sharp-eyed about seeing others in the boston gear. makes for good bonding with strangers. so, the other day, i was on a bus headed up first avenue with my sox cap on. for a few blocks, a double decker tour bus was riding alongside my bus. i noticed a little boy up on the top, rocking HIS red sox cap. i caught his eye and when we both noticed the caps, we broke into these huge ass grins. then he waved at me, and i waved back. totally the most adorable thing EVER!!! i’m grinning now just remembering.

guilty pleasures

i want to start compiling a list of guilty pleasures. not just guilty, i think, but stuff that you will probably end up suffering for. but it’s worth it. not all of these will be original ideas from yours truly. so feel free to throw in your ideas. this is a work in progress, i plan to come back to it often

scratching a mosquito bite with abandon

sticking a q tip in your ear after a shower

laughing when someone trips or falls

eating pie for breakfast

reading trashy young adult fiction

running the bridge

today i mapped out and walked a 6 mile route that will take me over the brooklyn bridge. i’m going to run it for reals tomorrow morning and i can’t wait! it might kill me, who knows, but i think it will be totally fun. i’m going to wake up at 5am and try to be out the door by 530a. running at that time of the day makes you feel like you own the city, and i’m excited to expand my routes. and i think it should be early enough to even avoid all the deliveries as i skirt around chinatown.

Park to Park 10K in Central Park

this race was this morning. my overall time was the same as every other 10k that i’ve done, so i guess i’m still consistent. i timed mile to mile, though, and had a couple of faster than average miles, which makes me feel good. the cool thing about today’s race, though, was what went on in my mind. there was a point where i felt like i had springs on the bottoms of my feet, i suddenly felt like i could run really fast with no effort. i was a little nervous to just go with that, though, because i didn’t want to blow my wad and then die later on. but it was the most interesting sensation. i also had moments of new attitude toward hills, and at the end of the race, i did not feel like i was going to just die. not that i’ve really REALLY felt that before, but i think i felt better than i have in the past. i had to go a bit further to get to the subway this time (i don’t like having the start and finish lines on the ues section of the park,) but i dealt with that alright. i even ran a little bit to get across a street before the light changed. ooh, and they gave out apples at the finish line, instead of the bananas i’ve usually seen. i want to make sure to write and tell them that i liked that.

so, i’m a little sore, didn’t really achieve a personal best, and am fearful for tomorrow’s run, but inspite of all that, i still feel pretty good.

running faster

since i’m running at 10k in central park tomorrow, i just wanted to run a little bit today, two miles. so i decided to run them faster than i have been running lately. when i do more than a couple miles, i seem to be stuck at 10:20 per mile. which would be great except that on the treadmill i know that i can run something closer to 9:15-9:30. (don’t lecture me on the differences b/w treadmill and pavement, i know. my point it, i know my body is capable of moving faster, but i’m having trouble tapping into it.) but today i finally did a 9:33 mile and a 9:32 mile outside on the streets. that was a good shot in the arm for me, knowing that i can do it. not just gotta figure out how to incorporate that into my overall training. but i feel pretty good about it right now.

yay, the day after

so after we made lovely use of the lingerie (and jelly made a point to tell me i was sexy), we went out to dinner. i think that’s a very new york thing to do – have drinks after work, go home and have sex, and then go out to dinner. it was pretty late by the time we were done, about 11:15pm, so we meandered down to his place, watched a little tv, and went to bed. i like sleeping in his clothes, i think it’s cute. and i really like sleeping next to him, i told him that too. AND the best part of all was that he didn’t snore all that much. and i slept better than i had with him ever before. i really like when he cuddles with me, i like being pressed up against him.

i woke him up at about 6am for some action. i SHOULD have gone home before we went out for the day, but i thought i wouldn’t have time, and i didn’t want to be rushing from place to place. we were planning on taking the boat tour that takes you around the harbor to see the waterfalls exhibit. but i decided to just shower at his place. it was ok, but my hair looked like shit, i didn’t have any make up, i didn’t have any sunglasses, no toothbrush. so i felt pretty rough all day. also, it was three hours between the time we woke up and the time that we ate. i usually eat right after i wake up. so i got a little cranky for a little while. and even though i slept BETTER, it was still only a scant 6 hours, so i was/am pretty tired, while he woke up and then was just up. so he picked on me a little and i couldn’t quite keep up.

anyway, we got some food, went to a pharm where i bought eyeliner and sunglasses. luckily i had my sox cap, but i still felt like i looked shitty all day. but we went on the boat tour and it was lovely. i love being on the water, even just the new york harbor. while we were doing the waterfalls tour, we saw a water taxi that said you could ride to the new ikea in brooklyn for free, so we did that, too. that boat was a little more fun to ride – smaller and faster. we went there pretty much just to eat the crazy ikea food, so that was pretty funny. then we found a pier that went way out, and that WOULD have been peaceful and lovely (perfect temp, slight breeze, very quiet) but this group of four stupid trashy ghetto people were going out there at the same time and they wouldn’t fucking shut up. when the rule for mandatory sterilization passes, these four will be the first in line. so our little moment of respite was ruined. they left in a little while, so we had a few minutes, but then the water taxi came back and we had to catch it.

then we meandered kind of lazily back to the subway and headed home. it was really fun, i had a great time. it’s crazy that we did so much before it was even 2pm. i am dying to take a nap, but then i won’t be able to fall asleep tonight. so i gotta find a way to stay awake for at least the next few hours. but it was a lovely lovely day, and i think he feels the same.

the sexy lingerie worked

yeah, it did it’s job. got some action, jelly said i looked sexy. word.