Crackerjackmack’s Weblog

i met RN a few years ago, when we both traveled to the same distant land to do some studying. among all the other students in the program, it took us a little while to figure each other out. but once we did, we knew that we were both awesome and thought each other fabulous – funny, smart, bitter – everything that brings people together as friends. the second summer we were both in the same program, it was way cooler because we already knew each other and knew we were rad, so things were way more fun. toward the end of the second summer, i started thinking that i might want to date him when we got home. i would be free of my summer fling and he was pretty much free of a girl he had been trying to break up with for a while. and while not initially attracted to him, the more awesome he proved to be, the more attractive he became. so the stage seemed set for at lease the possibility of something growing out of it.

so, back in new york, we hung out a couple of times. (that might be generous of me, there might have only been one actual time we hung out.) and i really liked hanging out with him. i felt like we could make the transition from summer buddies to actual friends, and then maybe date. he makes me laugh more than almost anyone i know, and i can make him laugh, too, which i take great pride in. we really see eye to eye, and even have slightly similar backgrounds, coming from hick communities.

but after a while, he stopped replying to my emails and i felt like i had thrown myself at him, so i decided to back off and accept that he wasn’t into me. it was cool, i guess, because i felt at least a little that he was sort of taking the place of my summer fling, and i was looking to fill a void. so at the time i thought, well, probably better to just leave it as a friend that i don’t ever see, rather than driving him away by trying to pursue him as a romantic possibility. so i pretty much put him out of my mind.

and had a long lonely lame depressing winter. i shoulda been blogging then, i could have written some amazing stuff.

about a month ago, RN sent me a friend request on  *insert social networking website* and we started chatting a little bit and decided to get together for dinner. i was looking forward to it for many reasons – first because he’s awesome and i knew i would have a great time, but also because i don’t have that many friends in new york. so sometimes i hang out with people i’m not crazy about, just to give myself a social outlet and not turn into some weird fucking hermit who never leaves the house. and hey, excuse to go out to dinner.

it was totally awesome, it was sooooo effing great to see him, man. he’s awesome all around, but one of the best things about him is that he’s a singer who isn’t crazy. for those of you not in this loop, believe me when i say that’s rare. i can’t stand to hang out with hardly any of my colleagues because they are all C-R-A-Z-Y. when you find one who is not, you want to treat them like gold. we caught each other up on what we’ve been doing for the past year. because he’s not a typical singer, it’s also nice not to feel that when i catch someone up, i don’t have to highlight whatever singing i’ve been doing, or make it look like i’ve been doing more than i actually have. it didn’t feel guilty or confessional to tell him that i haven’t been singing much for the past year. he gets it and he doesn’t judge.

we talked about dating a little and i told him about jelly. i do believe he was a little bummed when i told him that i was dating someone exclusively, but he tried to just take it in stride. but later over dessert, we re-visited the topic and it started coming out that we both wanted to date each other last fall. DUDE! *HE* is the one who stopped replying to me. he dropped the ball! and then to all of a sudden be saying that he wa pining for me. he said it with a twinkle in his eye, so i feel like there is some truth to it. it was pretty cute, though, because we we sort of playing around the topic but not coming straight out and saying anything. it was really fun to play with that. you can say just about anything and the other person can’t discern what parts of it are true and what parts are joking. it was sort of liberating. and kind of nice to feel like he is/was desiring me. that is always a nice thing to feel. he grilled me a little about jelly, sort of trying to get information but not wanting to seem too interested. it was very cute. and it was like we were both kind of shrugging and saying, well, sorry, but it’s too late now, you had your chance.

after dessert we walked around for a while, sat in a park people watching/mocking, which was awesome.  our tolerance and perception of idiots is so similar, we crack each other up consistently. he makes me really happy, it was one of the best nights i’ve spent with a friend in a long time. he walked me to my front door, and we joked flat out that i was not going to invite him up. but don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t forcing himself on me, or trying to get me to cheat or anything like that. it was just resigned to how things are, so therefor we can joke openly about it. being totally honest about where things stand gives us that freedom and that feels good.

but seriously, why is this happening now??? if he had sent be a friend request even a month earlier, things could be totaly different! i mean, things could definitely be worse, i’m not holding out some fantasy that RN and i could be living in some dream world now, or whatever. but i feel like i’m being tested. i also believe that this is one of those lessons about dating and relationships that most people learn when they are dating in high school and college. since i did very little (read:none) dating when i was younger, i’m developmentally stunted in the dating world and have to learn these lessons now. but i think i’m doing ok. i was not really tempted or anything, not even close. but i suppose i’m thinking about this a lot now because if RN and i keep hanging out, i don’t want things to get out of hand. i don’t want to feel so comfortable around him that i flirt or act out of line or seem to be leading him on. gotta watch that.