Crackerjackmack’s Weblog

i never think of myself as girly, in almost any way. in fact, i mostly think that i am more in line with the stereotypes of guys – i don’t like to shop, i’m not touchy-feely, i can’t tell you the threadcount of my sheets – and i think it’s also true for how i approach relationships. i’m pretty clueless as to what i am supposed to do at the various stages of a relationship and just kind of go on instinct and gut feeling. but one thing i’ve been doing lately is something that i think falls under the description “girly”. i’ve been thinking a lot about the future of my relationship with jelly. which is nuts because we are still pretty new to each other, i’m not in love with him, and things are going along pretty nice and easy right now, so i wouldn’t change it for the world. but lately we’ve been trying to figure out how i can meet his parents. they live pretty close to here, and in the next couple of weeks, there are a couple of opps, but i don’t think it’s going to happen. the schedules just don’t mesh quite right. but it’s cool that he wants me to, and i think meeting them would be pretty cool. but this morning i was thinking about how it would be for him to meet MY family. of course, you can’t compare the two events because to meet my family would involve a lot more than a simple train ride for a couple hours, since they all live on the west coast. so i don’t expect it to be a serious consideration for a long time, but what if it does go that way? as i was drifting off into a nap, i imagined him telling my dad that he was going to ask me to marry him, and i’ve even imagined us having a kid. which is fucking nuts because i don’t have any interest in having children at all!!!

but it has made me think about love quite a bit. the one time in my life that i have been in love, it was so bombastic and intense and scary and all-permeating and life-changing, that i was sure i would never ever feel that way again. but that doesn’t mean that i will never fall in love again. i have to get away from the notion that it has to be that way every time. i need to stop using that as a point of comparison. that is going to be hard. those feelings were amazing and i often said, i would give anything to feel that way again. but i think love will be different with every person. i think if it’s true love, it should be amazing like that, but in it’s own unique way. do i have to have my mind blown every time? yes, i think i do, but maybe that takes time to happen. i’m not really LOOKING for it, or WAITING for it, but i do believe that it has to happen. and since it is not happening with jelly at this time, i just need to keep enjoying what IS happening and stop thinking about the fucking future so much.

since i was only planning on running 4 miles today, i thought i’d see how fast i could go. i don’t know if it’s because yesterday took a lot out of me, with the race and the heat and the humidity, or if i just came out of the gate way too fast, but after the first mile (9:24, yay) i sort of felt spent. as i finished the first mile i thought, well, for the next mile, why don’t i run really fast for a block, then walk for a block, over and over for this mile. which i did, and it was fine, but odd. then for the next mile, i just walked it at a brisk pace. i was thinking, what the fuck is up, yo??? then i thought i’d jog the last mile at a comfortable pace, but after a block i was like, or i could walk some more, which i did. and then jogged again for the rest of it. it was a very strange day. i mostly attribute the fatigue to the very fast running of the first mile. and that’s fine, no big deal. but it just felt weird.