Crackerjackmack’s Weblog

i’m pretty sure i wouldn’t, but who the hell knows until you are presented with the situation? besides that, aren’t we kind of still in a probationary period? and the person in question , CD, is someone i have known way longer than jelly and have had a mad crush on for a very long time. the thing that will save me is that CD is married and up until today, i have always felt that it was safe to have a crush on him and flirt with him because he could never ever cheat on his wife. everyone who knows him would say that, and many have. but for some reason today, i’m a little concerned that something more could occur. i think there are two reasons – one, i have not been working for the past couple of weeks and time alone tends to allow my gigantic imagination go a little bit crazy. seriously, nothing is beyond the realm of possible in my imagination. the other reason is that IP is kind of goading me into thinking this. she’s just playing and teasing, but she doesn’t realize that after hours and hours alone, i start to believe and buy into the things that she saying. and she doesn’t really establish a strong line between when she’s teasing and when she’s serious. so since i want to believe the stuff that she’s serious about, like CD missing me around the office, it makes me start to believe the stuff that she’s teasing about, like CD REALLY missing me around the office.

so tonight the three of us are having dinner, and IP says she will need to leave early-ish. she is so evil.

i like when jelly texts me when he’s off on his vacation/weekend drunk.

makes me a little bit nervous how happy i get when i get a text from CD, who i should NOT still be crushing on. for many reasons. but i’m so glad i’m going to see him tonight.

i wonder at least a little bit each day if i love jelly. i have been in love before and this is not that. but love will be different with each person and for each person. just because i’m not feeling what i did with LoML, doesn’t mean it might not be love or go in that direction. thinking about the future is a very bad thing to do when also wondering if i might fall in love with jelly. i just don’t see it happening, but i like the idea of being with someone. i know that is so wrong. so what i need to do is stop thinking about the future and just be happy with how things are. appreciate each little thing as it comes.

a donut and a cinnamon roll makes a great breakfast for a day that i am planning not to exercise. though i did have to walk a mile to get them, and then a mile back. i earned that sugar rush, man.

my legs are sore from my higher mileage this week BUT – and this is the cool part – i do not fear the longer runs anymore! as of now, anyway. in the next few weeks, they will get stupid long, but after doing a few 6 milers this week, i don’t feel nervous about them. for real, and maybe for the first real time, i KNOW that i can do them. i know that sounds ridiculous because of course i can do them, i have proved that several times already. but still, whenever i get ready to head out, there is this little twinge of fear and feeling that i can’t really. so the fact that i’ve cleared that mental hurdle makes me feel really good.

now i have to decide if i really want to try to run faster. do i? i don’t know. i tell you, i will be satisfied if i can finish the half marathon at all! and at 10:21 that would be about 2:15, which is fucking respectable for a novice!

why do guys lie about their height?

i love that jelly left his suit here, and his watch. i’ve been wearing his watch around, and i definitely tried on the suit. i looked pretty hot wearing the jacket over just my bra, i must say.

it’s nice to think that he’s probably thinking about me, at least a little. he might even miss me a little! i’d be curious to hear what he might tell his friends about me. also slightly curious what his friends who have met me might tell the other friends about me.

i love that the last time he came over, all he wanted to do was take off his suit and throw me down on the bed. the sounds he makes when he really really wants me are such a turn on. and how he grabs me when he’s in that mood – mmmmm, i love that! feeling desired, sexually desired, is a feeling that is beyond description. it’s like years of not feeling good enough, or attractive, or sexy are suddenly swept away and forgotten. there are so many deep seeded issues attached to it, and yet there are the totally shallow physical elements. then there’s the mid-depth stuff that just involves someone liking you…and forgetting or at least seeing past all your faults and liking you anyway, ha!