Crackerjackmack’s Weblog

Ok, so this job is coming to an end. Read previous posts if you want to hear about my ignominious departure. Summary – they screwed me over. But here are things on the plus side!

1 – pretty much everyone in the office agrees that the people in charge are being total douches and handled this who thing in a very low-class manner. And they are big fat fuckers. It’s nice that everyone is on my side.

2 – it’s therapeutic for me to vent about this. I haven’t really told anyone that Thursday is my last day, but it’s trickling through the cracks and everyone is kind of taking me aside and whispering about it. I use those moments to tell them what fuckers the uppers are.

3 – people want to buy me drinks! I’m going out with “the girls” from the office on Wednesday. That will be kind of fast and furious and trashy at the Penn Station TGIF’s, but that’s cool. They all want to sit around OUTSIDE the office and bitch about it just as much as I do. And these are women that I wouldn’t likely be friends with if I didn’t know them from here, so this will be the one and only and final hoo ha with them. I think it will be fun. The following night I’m going out with my two favorite people from here and I am hoping very hard that we can get the ops director to sit and talk shit about the office for a while. He needs it as much as we do, but I would really just like to hear him cut loose. Besides that, I have a little crushy mccrush on him (though he’s married and nothing will ever come of it) so this will be the final chance to go out and be social. I am sure I will not see these people again, so I want to make the most of it.

4 – everyone is kind of looking at me like I am victim of a terminal illness. That is cracking me up. I appreciate the sympathy of course, but these frowny faces are totally hilarious. No one really wants to SAY it.

I’m not going to say this place will suck without me, but I definitely brought in a flavor that they did no have, being as I have no interest in the business and was only here for my own amusement. I am not like anyone else here. I won’t go so far as to say they will miss me, because they will get over it pretty quick. But for a while, my tone will stay around.

I’m still not sure how I feel about him. I’m still not swooning, which is fine. Some of his annoying qualities are starting to crop up, and I think that’s good, to see a whole person. But even though I’m lukewarm on him, I anxiously await texts/emails/calls. Not all the time, but when I think it’s a possibility, I pay way too much attention to the phone. Of course, things are very boring at work now, and I’m sure that if I had actual tasks, this would not be the case. I’m still not all that physically attracted to him, yet I texted him from bed last night, seeing if he wanted to come over and cuddle. Of course, I had just gotten into bed and was super comfy and thought, man, having someone here would make this sooooo luxurious.

I like the idea of dating someone. I like having plans. I like him. I like that we are super casual with no expectations.

But I wish that sometimes he would say that he thinks I’m pretty. Or cool. Or something I did was interesting to him. Or that he likes me. I think that’s it, I would like a compliment and I would like him to say that he likes me.

Conversely, when I compliment him, he always makes a joke about it and never says thanks. I have no problem with confidence, but when you thank someone for doing something thoughtful, it’s just polite to say you’re welcome. When you tell someone they are foxy or cool, it’s just polite to say thank you. Always making it a joke – probably a sign of insecurity about receiving a compliment, but it gets old. And we’ve only known each other for a few weeks. It makes me not want to say nice things to him.

I’m not crazy about his female friends, but I like his male friends. That’s pretty typical for me, re: men and women. But there is one girl whom I believe he has dated, and she’s really annoying. It’s not jealousy, not in the slightest. She was annoying before I even knew she knew him. I had seen her around the bar. But then I find out they dated and it makes me question why he chooses the girls he dates. I feel like I’m totally different from any of them. Why did he seek me out?

I also feel a little detached from what has gone on with us physically. When I think about how I viewed him on the night we met, I feel like he is not the person that I had sex with last week. There is some state of disconnect between us and I don’t know what it is. Is it just a matter of still getting to know each other? Am I doubting that he likes me? Partly, yes. I’m not sure that he likes me because he never says, I like you. If only he knew how much weight that would carry.