time apart

because of the way our schedules have turned out this week, time with jelly has been very limited. and it’s making me sad. like, really sad, not just, oh man, what a bummer, or wow, there’s another night with no sex. i actually really miss seeing him and being with him. he was gone all last weekend, then we had lunch on tuesday. then he headed to MA, then i headed to MA. i was hoping to see him last night, but after doing my long run in the morning, lugging all my stuff to boston, then the T ride and the walk around cambridge to get to where i’m staying, the idea of going back into boston to deal with a rowdy post-game crowd was just oo much. not only is my body sore, but i had no energy. and i knew that it wouldn’t be quality time between jelly and me. so i didn’t go. i’m sad about that, but even more that i won’t see him now until friday. what a total drag.

i ran ten miles this morning!

woo hoo! i just now got out of the shower, so i suppose i’m still riding the wave of adrenaline before the pain and fatigue and delirium set in. i was pretty nervous in the days leading up to this. it was going to be the longest distance i had run outside. i’ve done 10 miles on the treadmill before, but my longest outdoor run has been 7.5 miles in Bloomsday, this year and last. i knew i could do it, and i gave myself permission to go slow when i needed to, and even walk a block if i had to. but still, i was going back and forth between being really nervous and thinking that i was a total superstar. i slept well thursday, which is the sleep that really counts, and then not so well last night. but i wasn’t worried about that. set the alarm for 4:20a, but i knew i’d wake up before that, and i did. so i was out the door at about 5am, which was perfect. very few people out, the sun beginning to creep up enough that it wasn’t dark, the temperature perfect.

the first few miles felt pretty good. i made myself take them slow because i knew that was wise, and because i wasn’t worried about timing this run. i stopped after mile 2 for some water, then i did the 3 mile loop, and still felt ok. stopped after mile 5 for some water and a gel pack. (by the way, those things are nasty, but they are convenient and they do something important, so you do what you gotta. maybe i just need to try the other flavors.) then i did the 3 mile loop again and i was starting to feel it. at the end of that loop, i had already gone further than any other outdoor run, but i still felt like, you know, i can do this. so i stopped for a little more water. as i headed out for the last two miles, i was planning spots ahead where i would walk if i had to. but i did not, i did the last two miles without stopping at all and i felt really good about it. i even had a smile on my face for part of it. which is a bigger deal than i want to admit, but it’s part of the mental game, which i am just starting to figure out with this running biz-nass. the simple act of putting a smile on your face, even if you have to consciously activate the muscles, really permeates you. and you start thinking differently. this is the kind of thing i read in a magazine and say, yeah right. but when you actually do it, it’s amazing what it does. preaching over.

so, my final time was 1:46:58. that’s minus the minutes that i stopped and had water, but not minus any pausing i did for traffic. that’s ok, because there was very little of that today. the average pace per mile is a little slow, around 10:40, but seriously, wtf do i even care?? i just ran ten miles, baby, and that feels pretty great. there’s thinking you can do it, and there’s knowing you can do it, and even beyond that, there is just plain doing it. and now i have. the half-marathon doesn’t feel quite as out of reach as it did before.

and seriously, i know the fatigue and pain will set in, but right now i’m kind of going, is this it? am i even sure i did the full ten? ha, i’m sure i’ll read this later today or tomorrow as i’m icing my everywhere and laugh and laugh.

why now?

i met RN a few years ago, when we both traveled to the same distant land to do some studying. among all the other students in the program, it took us a little while to figure each other out. but once we did, we knew that we were both awesome and thought each other fabulous – funny, smart, bitter – everything that brings people together as friends. the second summer we were both in the same program, it was way cooler because we already knew each other and knew we were rad, so things were way more fun. toward the end of the second summer, i started thinking that i might want to date him when we got home. i would be free of my summer fling and he was pretty much free of a girl he had been trying to break up with for a while. and while not initially attracted to him, the more awesome he proved to be, the more attractive he became. so the stage seemed set for at lease the possibility of something growing out of it.

so, back in new york, we hung out a couple of times. (that might be generous of me, there might have only been one actual time we hung out.) and i really liked hanging out with him. i felt like we could make the transition from summer buddies to actual friends, and then maybe date. he makes me laugh more than almost anyone i know, and i can make him laugh, too, which i take great pride in. we really see eye to eye, and even have slightly similar backgrounds, coming from hick communities.

but after a while, he stopped replying to my emails and i felt like i had thrown myself at him, so i decided to back off and accept that he wasn’t into me. it was cool, i guess, because i felt at least a little that he was sort of taking the place of my summer fling, and i was looking to fill a void. so at the time i thought, well, probably better to just leave it as a friend that i don’t ever see, rather than driving him away by trying to pursue him as a romantic possibility. so i pretty much put him out of my mind.

and had a long lonely lame depressing winter. i shoulda been blogging then, i could have written some amazing stuff.

about a month ago, RN sent me a friend request on  *insert social networking website* and we started chatting a little bit and decided to get together for dinner. i was looking forward to it for many reasons – first because he’s awesome and i knew i would have a great time, but also because i don’t have that many friends in new york. so sometimes i hang out with people i’m not crazy about, just to give myself a social outlet and not turn into some weird fucking hermit who never leaves the house. and hey, excuse to go out to dinner.

it was totally awesome, it was sooooo effing great to see him, man. he’s awesome all around, but one of the best things about him is that he’s a singer who isn’t crazy. for those of you not in this loop, believe me when i say that’s rare. i can’t stand to hang out with hardly any of my colleagues because they are all C-R-A-Z-Y. when you find one who is not, you want to treat them like gold. we caught each other up on what we’ve been doing for the past year. because he’s not a typical singer, it’s also nice not to feel that when i catch someone up, i don’t have to highlight whatever singing i’ve been doing, or make it look like i’ve been doing more than i actually have. it didn’t feel guilty or confessional to tell him that i haven’t been singing much for the past year. he gets it and he doesn’t judge.

we talked about dating a little and i told him about jelly. i do believe he was a little bummed when i told him that i was dating someone exclusively, but he tried to just take it in stride. but later over dessert, we re-visited the topic and it started coming out that we both wanted to date each other last fall. DUDE! *HE* is the one who stopped replying to me. he dropped the ball! and then to all of a sudden be saying that he wa pining for me. he said it with a twinkle in his eye, so i feel like there is some truth to it. it was pretty cute, though, because we we sort of playing around the topic but not coming straight out and saying anything. it was really fun to play with that. you can say just about anything and the other person can’t discern what parts of it are true and what parts are joking. it was sort of liberating. and kind of nice to feel like he is/was desiring me. that is always a nice thing to feel. he grilled me a little about jelly, sort of trying to get information but not wanting to seem too interested. it was very cute. and it was like we were both kind of shrugging and saying, well, sorry, but it’s too late now, you had your chance.

after dessert we walked around for a while, sat in a park people watching/mocking, which was awesome.  our tolerance and perception of idiots is so similar, we crack each other up consistently. he makes me really happy, it was one of the best nights i’ve spent with a friend in a long time. he walked me to my front door, and we joked flat out that i was not going to invite him up. but don’t get me wrong, he wasn’t forcing himself on me, or trying to get me to cheat or anything like that. it was just resigned to how things are, so therefor we can joke openly about it. being totally honest about where things stand gives us that freedom and that feels good.

but seriously, why is this happening now??? if he had sent be a friend request even a month earlier, things could be totaly different! i mean, things could definitely be worse, i’m not holding out some fantasy that RN and i could be living in some dream world now, or whatever. but i feel like i’m being tested. i also believe that this is one of those lessons about dating and relationships that most people learn when they are dating in high school and college. since i did very little (read:none) dating when i was younger, i’m developmentally stunted in the dating world and have to learn these lessons now. but i think i’m doing ok. i was not really tempted or anything, not even close. but i suppose i’m thinking about this a lot now because if RN and i keep hanging out, i don’t want things to get out of hand. i don’t want to feel so comfortable around him that i flirt or act out of line or seem to be leading him on. gotta watch that.

no drama

when things in a relationship are going well, there’s very little to blog about. i’m not even overanalyzing enough to creat a good post. it’s exciting and fabulous and new to be in the beginning of such an easy, healthy, comfortable, adult relationship. because i’m not working right now and because this is new to me, of course i want to see him all the time. but i’m learning how to appreciate the times that we do see each other and not try to plan every spare moment as a moment that we can be together. this week and the coming week have been/will be tough, as we are both traveling. we are going to be in the same city for a couple of hours and are going to TRY to see each other, but i really don’t see it working out. both of us are trying to cram in a bunch of things. so i’m going to go with the flow.

we were going to try to see each other for a few hours the other night, but it didn’t work out. i texted him that i was sad that we wouldn’t see each other for more than a week, and he wrote back that he was bummed, too. that felt nice, because sometimes you wonder if the other person is missing you like you are missing them. in this case, because he has so much going on right now, and i got nuttin’. he also maybe we can do something nice next weekend, when we are both back. i like the idea of him saying, something nice. though, for me, i don’t even have to do anything special. by that point, i will just be so glad to see him that we could sit around watching tv all day and i wouldn’t care. but we both have all day friday free, and also saturday evening, so we gots options.

evening sitting here trying to think of what i could parse out and write about, there’s just nothing really to say except that it’s good. yay for good!

i guess training is working?

i ran 6.5 miles this morning and i really don’t feel like i did. granted, i was on the treadmill for most of it, due to rain, but i still feel like i should be more exhausted or sore. but i guess putting in the miles over the past few weeks is starting to pay off? i dunno. i’m feeling kinda bleh because it was on the treadmill. the past couple of days have rained, so i’ve done my running there, and though the treadmill is a far easier workout, i really don’t like it anymore! i’m all about being outside and find myself kind of unhappy at the gym. i never would have thought that.

i’m also a little nervous because i’m doing a 10 mile run on saturday, the first long run of this training program. besides being my first long run in a while, it will be the first time i’ve done 10 miles outside. but i’ve given myself permission to slow down when i need to, even if that means walking a block or two. and i’m going to do a route that takes me by my apartment every few miles, where i will put a bottle of water. i really really really hope the weather co-operates. i will do it inside if i have to (because i just know i wouldn’t make 10 miles in the rain) but that would be a drag. right now the forecast for saturday is “isolated thunderstorms”, but no point vexing over that, because who knows what will happen between now and then. i’m aiming to get up at around 4a or 430a, to be done by 7am.

what the hell, man. i’m a goddamn superstar, i can fucking do this!! i rock!!

i’m so happy

tiny little post today, i think, but i wanted to spout – jelly is back from his long weekend of drinking and carousing with college friends and it was so good to see him! we had lunch, and we MIGHT get together for a little while tonight. it’s tough because there is much going on, but if we don’t see each other tonight, we probably won’t see each other for another week and a half. that might drive me mad. and i made sure to point it out to him, so the ball’s in his court now…

is it a girl thing?

i never think of myself as girly, in almost any way. in fact, i mostly think that i am more in line with the stereotypes of guys – i don’t like to shop, i’m not touchy-feely, i can’t tell you the threadcount of my sheets – and i think it’s also true for how i approach relationships. i’m pretty clueless as to what i am supposed to do at the various stages of a relationship and just kind of go on instinct and gut feeling. but one thing i’ve been doing lately is something that i think falls under the description “girly”. i’ve been thinking a lot about the future of my relationship with jelly. which is nuts because we are still pretty new to each other, i’m not in love with him, and things are going along pretty nice and easy right now, so i wouldn’t change it for the world. but lately we’ve been trying to figure out how i can meet his parents. they live pretty close to here, and in the next couple of weeks, there are a couple of opps, but i don’t think it’s going to happen. the schedules just don’t mesh quite right. but it’s cool that he wants me to, and i think meeting them would be pretty cool. but this morning i was thinking about how it would be for him to meet MY family. of course, you can’t compare the two events because to meet my family would involve a lot more than a simple train ride for a couple hours, since they all live on the west coast. so i don’t expect it to be a serious consideration for a long time, but what if it does go that way? as i was drifting off into a nap, i imagined him telling my dad that he was going to ask me to marry him, and i’ve even imagined us having a kid. which is fucking nuts because i don’t have any interest in having children at all!!!

but it has made me think about love quite a bit. the one time in my life that i have been in love, it was so bombastic and intense and scary and all-permeating and life-changing, that i was sure i would never ever feel that way again. but that doesn’t mean that i will never fall in love again. i have to get away from the notion that it has to be that way every time. i need to stop using that as a point of comparison. that is going to be hard. those feelings were amazing and i often said, i would give anything to feel that way again. but i think love will be different with every person. i think if it’s true love, it should be amazing like that, but in it’s own unique way. do i have to have my mind blown every time? yes, i think i do, but maybe that takes time to happen. i’m not really LOOKING for it, or WAITING for it, but i do believe that it has to happen. and since it is not happening with jelly at this time, i just need to keep enjoying what IS happening and stop thinking about the fucking future so much.

running too fast

since i was only planning on running 4 miles today, i thought i’d see how fast i could go. i don’t know if it’s because yesterday took a lot out of me, with the race and the heat and the humidity, or if i just came out of the gate way too fast, but after the first mile (9:24, yay) i sort of felt spent. as i finished the first mile i thought, well, for the next mile, why don’t i run really fast for a block, then walk for a block, over and over for this mile. which i did, and it was fine, but odd. then for the next mile, i just walked it at a brisk pace. i was thinking, what the fuck is up, yo??? then i thought i’d jog the last mile at a comfortable pace, but after a block i was like, or i could walk some more, which i did. and then jogged again for the rest of it. it was a very strange day. i mostly attribute the fatigue to the very fast running of the first mile. and that’s fine, no big deal. but it just felt weird.

Run for Central Park, 4 Miles

just got back from finishing the 4 mile Run for Central Park.  It was hhhhhhot today, and so today’s lesson was to hydrate at the early stations and don’t worry about the few seconds that you lose. i skipped the first two and immediately got nervous after passing the second. i know that i can go further than 4 miles without water, but the conditions in a race are so different than when i’m doing training runs around my neighborhood. but i’m ok now, and as i said, it is the lesson that i learned today.

the truly exciting news is that i took some serious seconds off my average pace per mile and i feel really fucking great about that. i have been averaging 10:21 per mile for several months (which by the way is really fucking good and i am very proud of it and would probably be satisfied if i ran that pace for the rest of my life,) but i’ve been wanting to get it down, my goal would be 10:00 (though right now i’m struggling with wanting to do speed work and NEEDING to do stamina work.) BUT – today i finally made progress and got the average down to 10:03 and i feel so fucking good about that. the first mile was 10:22, second 9:44, third 10:23 (and that’s the one where i stopped for water), and the fourth 9:47. it’s an amazing feeling when you see that your training has paid off.  because i’m the kind of person who will kind of blindly stick to a training program (or a singing thing or a weight loss thing or whatever) and just do the work do the work and not worry too much about quantifying it as i go. so then when i actually measure progress, it’s always kind of amazing to see the progess. i’m very proud of myself.

i did not cheat

nor did i lure a married man down that ridiculous path. we had a fabulous dinner and a really great time. i am so glad that i’m spending time with IP and CD because they totally rock. and it’s tough to make friends in this city, especially quality friends who bring you up. very happy about this right now.